Warning: This is a satire about biblical patriarchy. Don't get your boxers in a bunch.
If you’re a good biblical patriarch, as all real Christian men are, get PhariSee’s Wife Watch, our new masculine-looking, high-tech smart watch that monitors, controls, and punishes your wife’s disobedience, so you don’t have to!
As a biblical patriarch, you know all too well that ruling over your family is exhausting and time-consuming. Women are basically weak, incompetent, and easily deceived children, but of course, you want them to stay that way. After all, it’s God’s natural order and He gave you the responsibility of being their lord and savior. It’s not like there’s anyone else that could fill those roles.
As the king of your castle, letting your precious but pathetic little wife live as an independent, autonomous human adult would be woefully negligent. In today’s dangerous social climate, your wife is liable to learn practically anything you don’t like without you even knowing about it. By the time she’s reading books about narcissistic abuse, acting uneasy about whipping the children with your belt, or going to a women’s only Bible study, it’s too late!
Save yourself the grief of having to continuously shame, humiliate, and bully your wife into submission and subservience. Protect your family from the evil femininity and empathy that’s overwhelming the Church. Make your authority known and get your wife back under your control with the Wife Watch!
If your wife is consuming content that might persuade her to think independently, disagree, or challenge your fraudulent authority, PhariSee can see and display it all on your wrist. Whether she’s reading Diane Langberg, avoiding the convicted pedophile in your church, investigating the pastor’s long history of sexual abuse, listening to podcasts about spiritual abuse, or independently reading the Bible without a man’s commentary, the Wife Watch sees everything.
Some of the amazing features of the Wife Watch include scheduling your wife's entire day, managing and monitoring her wardrobe (you know she'd dress like a slut if you didn't command otherwise), scheduling a daily Brainwashing routine complete with a selection of cherry-picked Bible verses for you to choose from, and the most elaborate surveillance system in the world, which we proudly call The Eyes of God. Through the Eyes of God, you'll be able to see everything your wife does no matter where you are.
But wait. There's more!
Install Premium Plus PhariSee for just $99.99 a month and not only can you see everything your wife is consuming from anywhere at any time through the Wife Watch, but stop wasting valuable time and energy having to coercively control, shame, ridicule, and "discipline" her yourself. Let PhariSee do it all for you!
After buying your Wife Watch, upgrade your membership to Premium Plus PhariSee and upload our hardware into your Smart Home system (because software is for women and beta males). With PPP, you can draft and upload your Will, which outlines every rule and law you’ve fabricated out of thin air for your family to blindly obey, because God knows you didn’t get them from Him.
If you’re new to biblical patriarchy and need help getting started on your journey to tyrannizing your family, you’re going to need a lot of extra-biblical literature, so make sure you also buy our book, So Sayeth the Man-King. This guide, which is written with the masculine gravitas of the most influential and openly abusive patriarchs in the Christian Church, gives you a strong foundation on your path to phenomenal cosmic power.
Once you have your Will established, upload it into the PPP hardware, link your Wife Watch to the network, and let PhariSee do the rest! As soon as the Watch detects rebellious or disobedient activity from your wife, you will be given the option to discipline her through verbal, spiritual, emotional, or physical means. The Wife Watch comes equipped with a variety of helpful discipline prompts to help you rule over your wife with ease.
Some prompt examples include threatening her with eternal damnation if she doesn't submit to your Will, insulting her intelligence when she disagrees with anything you say or believe, shaming her for her pathetic feminine weakness when she tries to do anything independently, and of course, physical discipline. You can either do this yourself as usual, or let the Wife Watch do it for you! Equip your wife with one of our high-tech Discipline bracelets and simply select the "discipline" option on your Wife Watch to send a light but firm shock of electricity to your wife's wrist.
So, don't hesitate, patriarchs! PhariSee's Wife Watch is the solution to your marital problems, which are all caused by your unsubmissive and disobedient wife. Fulfill God's role for you as a man to be the only authority in literally everything by keeping tabs and controlling even the most snarky women. Order your Wife Watch today and watch your wife's smile disappear!
Side Effects: Physical results from the Discipline bracelet may vary. Some men have reported visible damage to their wives' wrists with severe bruising and lacerations to the skin. We suggest continuously shocking your wife until she stops complaining. After all, discipline is supposed to hurt and if she'd obeyed your Will in the first place, she wouldn't be in so much pain.
FYI: This is a Satire about Biblical Patriarchy.
While all content contained in this post is fictitious, it is inspired by real statements, teachings, and behaviors I've personally observed from men who call themselves biblical patriarchs. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, and services are used purely for satirical purposes.
I do not recall signing up to any kind of mailing list. In fact I distinctly recalling saying I was done with this site after reading one previous article. Why have I had an email notifying me of this (what looks like a very asinine) article?